Planet of the Apps.
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?