The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.