When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
You Might Also Like
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!