I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You Might Also Like
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it