lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
You Might Also Like
I want to meet the individual who made this
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them