Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.