Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
What a website
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.