the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.