Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
This raises questions
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand