Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored