Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Got ya covered
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again