[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this