Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Think I pulled my liver
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢