Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.