[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.