Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)