Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
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Very good news from my accountant
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
What is going on? 😅
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Owl Sanctuary
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.