I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.