[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
That’s what I call a flat tire
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.