[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
nobody’s gonna understand
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
There’s always that one guy
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow