If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…