Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
umm…
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
every college guy’s fridge
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing