“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Ah..makes sense now
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁