You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
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I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
That’s what I call a flat tire
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Cannot stop laughing at this
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho