Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”