Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Omg 🤣
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.