*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
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I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Greeting humans vs their dogs
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Nice try Hitler
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”