When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
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Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”