I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
podcasts
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days