This can never not be funny 😭😭
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
no refunds
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.