A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.