If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit