My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
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Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
But wait…
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Mountain Goat : )
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
me irl
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.