Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.