Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
You Might Also Like
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
When can I start eating bats again.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the