Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.