Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.