Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I identify as an antique shop.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.