for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
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So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap