what all these pyramids be scheming about?
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate