when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.