How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers