free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”