Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
wtf is a larm clock?
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”