Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
me hooking up with my ex
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty