I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
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When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
christening a ship with an overripe banana