Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address