Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.