Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.