The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
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me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Bond. Trauma bond.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.